A conversation I choose not to engage in!
Since becoming a mother of 2, and then 3 girls, I often find myself in social conversations where I get asked who my favorite child is. For a few years I found myself uncomfortably saying “I love them all the same…” To make matters worse, people who know me and my daughters would jump in and offer their own opinion as to who that favorite child may be…
One day I realized I could answer something other than “I don’t have a favorite” and instead I said “this is a conversation I choose not to have, and a way of thinking I choose not to engage in”.
What motivated me to do this?
What didn’t play a role?
What does favorite mean anyways?
- Is your “favorite child” the one who resembles you the most?
- For some, seeing yourself in them can create an understanding and a bond over a shared experience. For others, it can create frustration and competition.
- Is your “favorite child” the one you perceive to be the weakest?
- A child who struggles and seems less capable can often attract our undivided attention and care. For some this can create a sense of value and for others it can result in disappointment and lack of freedom.
- Is your “favorite child” the one who’s most different?
- They say opposites attract. For some, that difference may be complementary and inspiring. While for others it may be defying, disrespectful, and scary since it can often leave you feeling unable to manage something unknown and unfamiliar.
- Is your “favorite child” the oldest or the youngest?
- Sibling position determines older children are generally very responsible and work hard to live up to your expectations. Maybe they are high achievers and they make it easy to be proud.
- Youngest children often experience more relaxed parents who are a little less anxious and more focused on enjoyment.
- Is your favorite child the boy or the girl?
- Maybe you always assumed a girl will be your lifelong companion and will care for you
- Maybe you are your son’s first love (mothers) or maybe you will share your passions with him (father).
The answer to this question will probably reveal a lot about the things you prioritize and the ones that intimidate you. In all of these cases, who you are, who you were in your family of origin, your emotions, beliefs, assumptions, and expectations will impact this perceived sense of “favoritism”, also known as comfort, ease and automatic attraction.
I have forced myself to be aware of the things I naturally love about them and I’m drawn too. On the flip side of that, I have forced myself to be aware of the challenges each of them present to me. And the combination of these two things have made me a more neutral mother.
I think both them and I are learning that I can love something about one of them and that can be independent of the love I have for the other. I think I’m beginning to untangle my children from one unit and into three separate relationships, and in doing so I have found more freedom and I believe they’re experiencing a little less competition and comparison (some days more than others). Now you tell me, who’s your favorite child?! And is this something you want to work on…?? click here to check out my services to see how we can work together