I just had the scariest year of my life and there were no witches, skeletons, or ghosts!
Have you noticed Halloween doesn’t really scare most people? My 2-year-old yearns to be a witch (“Biujita”). My 5-year-old keeps naming bones on a skeleton and the 8-year-old is celebrating her birthday with a haunted house!
So where do our fears come from if not from spooky creatures?
Of course, I have been scared before, but I would’ve struggled to answer this question because I’ve never really been a fearful person…
Until last year, when suddenly fear became a shadow that was constantly following me and interfering with my life. One day I started experiencing some physical symptoms that made me fear I had a specific disease and just writing this last sentence still makes my stomach turn.
Curiously enough, the underlying fear wasn’t death. In my mind, there was something worse and this is when I realized fears are usually filled with layers of complexity… and this is what I’ve uncovered so far:
- My fear was the perfect example of anxiety – an intense fight, flight, or freeze response to a real or perceived threat! 90% of the things we worry about never take place! There was a chance something was wrong but a large possibility that it wasn’t. But my response wasn’t proportionate and that is because biologically speaking when we’re anxious our capacity to think and problem solve is often impaired!
- My fear was too loud and getting in the way of me listening to the symptoms – symptoms are a language full of valuable information and I was missing the message.
- My fear is largely relational – my role as a mother and the understanding of the responsibility and the impact I have on my children (for better or for worse) makes my fear stronger. In other words, it’s not the same to be sick than to have my kids have a sick mother.
- My fear became an Elsa versus Elsa fight – and the thing with internal battles is that it guarantees everyone loses! I convinced myself I had the diagnosis despite being told by a doctor that I didn’t. This created a competition between my logic and my feelings.
- My fear was weakening – it made me fall out of touch with my strength and made me overfocus on my vulnerabilities. The more that happened, the less I felt like my capable, fulfilled, accomplished self! This impacted my perception of myself but also my capacity to socialize or the energy that I showed up to others with.
- My fear was alienating – while I had unconditional support, being afraid when no one else is, can feel like the loneliest place on Earth. On the one hand, we prefer to connect from strength so we can avoid burdening others and keep to ourselves. On the other hand, our fear and discomfort makes others uncomfortable so their focus can go towards trying to convince us to not be afraid, which is futile (and alienating) because if we could just choose not to be we would’ve.
- My fear was contextual – it was relevant and made sense in light of health concerns in my extended family. We often internalize what people around us talk about or share with us (even if we don’t notice it). They can make us feel vulnerable by proxy. This is a reminder that we are impacted by the family emotional system.
- My fear became a distraction – it occupied a lot of space in my mind in a way that made me feel helpless and took my attention off other things that mattered. It disconnected me from my capacity to process how I was feeling and to get clear about how well I was actually still functioning.
- Lastly, my fear was my biggest obstacle to recovery. I thought recovery would mean for the symptoms to disappear, but it ended up meaning not freaking out so that anxiety and stress wouldn’t make them impossible to disappear.
This whole time I knew I was afraid. I just didn’t know what to do about it (freeze response).
Until I decided to turn on the lights in what felt like a haunted house and rather than worrying and hoping it would go away, I decided to confront it. I doubled down on resources (increased therapy and spoke to experts) which allowed me to understand the nuances, complexities and role fear was playing (the wholeeee list I just shared with you).
The scariest thing about my fear was the disconnect between what I felt/believed to be true and my intellect (reasoning). Recognizing this disparity was a hard blow but crucial to recovery. I understood the biggest challenge was not the symptoms or the supposed disease but rather my relationship to my fear. In observing it and understanding it I changed towards it! And that’s why I always say, “insight gives perspective, and perspective ignites change”.
Speaking of fear, this newsletter is a week late because it was so hard to write. We already know fear is paralyzing and talking about fear from a personal perspective to clients can get in the way of these fingers typing. I’m afraid some of this is too much to share… but that’s a small fear in comparison to all of the above… My hope is to inspire you to do the work it takes to not live in fear!
In case you were wondering, I’m in great health and at peace, while also significantly more equipped to work on overcoming fears and the connection (or rather disconnect) between mind and body!
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